Archive for August, 2011

quick cycling math

August 27, 2011

My younger brother got me into cycling sort of.  He was the first to get a road bike, after a nasty road rash incident on his friend’s bike one summer.  I’m not sure why he got the urge to purchase his own but he did.  Then he started watching the tour de france.  Then I started riding again, mountain bike first, then my wife bought me a hybrid, then we debated between a Harley and a road bicycle.  It was decided I would have a lower risk of death on a road bike so that’s the direction we went.  Never mind the incredible cost difference, better health, etc.  My brother sold his bike (he lives in the Richmond, VA area so it’s not like we got to ride together anyway), and moved where he doesn’t have cable so I basically took up cycling and following the tour de france since he couldn’t anymore.  However, I started getting more into it, going for long rides on scheduled vacation days (instead of golfing which is what I used to do, the advantage being when I turn the handlebars I know where my bike is going, I can’t say the same for my golfball).  I also started following professional cycling, not only for the tour de france but all year around through the cyclocross season, the classics, the three tours and domestic races (I visit Pave and VeloNation on a daily basis, not during work hours of course).  I admit, it could be a problem.  Of course, my wife likes to do impressions of Phil Liggett now so I guess it can’t all be bad.

Anyway, I’m now watching the US Pro Cycling challenge which is based in Colorado and they just flashed Levi Leipheimer’s statistics on the screen.  He’s 37 (one year younger than me), 5’7″, six inches shorter, 136 pounds.  Are you kidding?  No wonder I feel like I’m dragging a ton of bricks up climbs while I watch him fly up a mountain, and he’s not even one of the better climbers (look, he’s good, he’s really, really good, I couldn’t hold his wheel unless he handed it to me as his mechanic after a flat).  The guy is 66 pounds lighter.  Go ahead, do the math, I’ll wait.  Okay, got it?  Did you get 192 pounds?  Yes?  Well then go back to school or get out your calculator.  That’s 202 pounds (weighed after my ride today of course) which seems at least a bit normal.  Of course, when I do my health assessment for work it tells me I’m overweight.  I find that funny since I do everything I can to stay in shape.  Anyway, every time I climb a hill I think about how fast I could climb it if I weighed 136 pounds.  Of course, that would mean that I was 12 years old, or whatever age I was when I actually weighted that much.  Crazy.  At least I know I’m probably burning more calories with my ride than Levi when I ride.  Plus, my arms are bigger and oddly enough, I have more hair.  Go figure.

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how to make an omelette

August 17, 2011

this is how I make an omelette myself:  take three eggs and let them warm up to room temperature if you have time, crack them into a bowl and whisk with a fork until bubbles form, pour into a pan on medium low heat with a bit of melted butter, flip once and fill with whatever you have in the refrigerator that might taste good (cheese, peppers, onions, mushrooms, sausage, tofu), fold over, plate and serve

this is how a politician makes an omelette:  a politician is too selfless to ever make their own omelette, they would like to make one for you and hope that you like it.  they will first take your order and remind you they are up for re-election in November, a year and a half away.  they will ask you to repeat their order because they were too busy worrying about raising campaign funds for their next campaign to hear what you were saying.  they will go away and make the omelette.  they will come back and hand you a plate with dried toast.  you will ask, where is my omelette and they explain that one of their other constituents came into your house while they were making your omelette and that person owns a company that needs a government contract so that person gave the politician a contribution and received your omelette along with some toast.  these are the pieces that were left on the plate.

this is how an elite professional football player makes an omelette:  are you kidding? they don’t make their own omelette, they have people who do that for them.  in fact, they will often order an omelette with all the fixings, usually with the help of their agent to make sure they get just the right type of cheese.  halfway through the omelette, they will decide they need a different kind of omelette since they saw a player on another team eating one that looked better.  the agent will negotiate the new omelette and will handle any complaints and interviews asking why the first omelette seemed so good at first but suddenly wasn’t good enough.

this is how Chuck Norris makes an omelette:  according to the internet, without breaking any eggs.

Michele Bachmann Turned Overdrive

August 15, 2011

Hey Iowa, thank you.  Thank you for the straw poll results that I didn’t even know existed.  Thank you for declaring that MBTO is now the front-runner to go up against our sitting president.  Thank you for reminding me that there is more to you than corn fields and Hawkeyes.  You have launched what is sure to be a crazy storm of off the cuff remarks and anecdotes from the lady with the 5 kids from her husband Ace.  It was amazing to watch her start the spin on Meet the press this past weekend and I can only imagine that it will only get more insane from here forward.  Please make sure that when you hold the primary, since you get to do that because you’re Iowa and a juggernaut of political discourse, that you have a two person debate between Michele and our lady of the other miracle Sarah Palin.  I think you could probably book that on pay per view and sell it to college audiences as a drinking game.  Our sincere thanks, New York (the western part, not the down state city part, I think they think you don’t exist).