Department of Health and Human Services warns against Craigslist Congressman Valentines

– Washington, DC

The Federal Department of Health and Human Services today issued a statement warning against using the “Craigslist Congressman” pose for Valentines greetings.  “We would like to suggest that men across the country refrain from taking pictures of themselves flexing in front of a mirror to send to their Valentine.  Our recent health reports show a majority of American men are overweight, especially following football season and we feel it would be a detriment for the overall physical health of the nation’s wives and girlfriends if we don’t keep such pictures from ever seeing the light of day.”

Verizon Wireless and AT&T have noted a spike in texts containing pictures going from accounts with male names to accounts with female names.  “Not that we actually check the pictures or account details or anything,” noted a spokesperson for AT&T, “but we do know the gender of the account owner and tend to monitor bandwidth usage.”  He continued, “We are wary of this sort of thing ever since the Brett Favre picture texting thing.  People tend to copy cat this sort of thing.  While I don’t think this is as bad an issue considering the content, I cannot vouch for the physique of many of these men sending pictures.”

The first Craigslist Congressman texting near fatality on record occurred outside a Walmart in Little Rock, Arkansas.  Sylvia Platt was leaving the store with a full cart when she received a text from her husband.  “I just thought he probably needed me to pick up some extra bacon or mayonnaise or something.  The next thing I know this picture pops up and that’s when I fell.”  Sylvia reportedly lost consciousness and was found lying in the middle of the parking lot with her cell phone clenched in her hand.  “It took me a second to figure out what it was.  I haven’t seen him with a shirt off since our wedding night and quite frankly we were both pretty drunk then so he was blurry at best.  All I can say is the man needs some sun and perhaps less bacon and mayonnaise.”  Her husband could not be reached for comment.

A spokes person for the Federal Department of Health and Human Services explained that they are working on a government funded program to assist those who just can’t help themselves.  “We are working with a few interns who are very good with Photoshop.  Our plan is to provide a site where you can upload your driver’s license photo and we will put your head on the top of an acceptable torso.  This will at least keep people from passing out in Walmart parking lots.  We do not want to encourage that behavior.”  The department hopes to obtain $2.3 billion in funding.  “Most of that will go to our lobbyists of course, as is the custom.  We hope to have this site up and running by mid 2013 which is pretty damn efficient by government standards if I do say so myself.”


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