Archive for February, 2011

27 dresses

February 28, 2011

Awards shows: where people who are paid to pretend for a living award other people for being the best pretenders.  We watch for the entertainment and I know I’m not the first, or last to say that the Oscars last night was less than entertaining.  Never mind that the guy from Pineapple Express (if you ask me who he was) or General Hospital (if you ask my wife who he was) completely sucked as a host.  Never mind that the winners were way too predictable even though I watched a total of zero movies that were nominated (with the exception of Toy Story 3 of course, I do have kids after all).  There was really only one reason to really watch the show: to figure out how many gowns (or in one case, tuxes) Anne Hathaway could wear during the course of a show. 

It reminded me of an otherwise forgettable remake called Bedazzled.  The only reason to ever watch this was to see Elizabeth Hurley (a fine-looking actress even if she was a fembot after all) in various costumes throughout the movie.  It cracked me up that Brendan Frasier’s character never hit on her instead of his infatuation with his coworker but that’s not the point.  The point is, Anne Hathaway pulled that stunt during the Academy Awards and that seemed to be the only thing that kept it interesting.  I Googled the question, how many dresses and received this response: 7, plus 1 pant suit.  Thank you interwebs.

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“thanks for the bread”

February 27, 2011

Continuing in our grand tradition of “enjoying” restaurants out of our comfort zone, I present to you our experience at Joey’s Pasta house in Penfield, NY.  My wife and I do not go out as often as we like since it requires coordination of a baby sitter, our schedules, a decent night to dine, perhaps a show, etc.  This often puts a substantial amount of pressure on the evening when it arrives.  This is not entirely fair to anyone involved but if you have kids and have to get a sitter because you don’t live near your parents or relatives, you probably understand.  (In fact, even if your parents are around, you still probably understand.)  That means that wherever we go, we’d better not be disappointed.

I’ve shared before some harrowing experiences at local establishments with initials in the name.  Perhaps I need to expand that to just names in the name.  A friend of ours suggested we try a place called Joey’s Pasta house in Penfield.  It has become a very busy restaurant known for its homemade pastas and sauces.  My wife made a reservation early in the week, we got a sitter and everything rolled along smoothly.  We arrived ten minutes early and were seated right away.  There were water glasses already poured, a dish with olive oil, a tomato/olive mix and garlic butter was sitting there and soon after we were seated a basket of bread arrived.  All was good.

We opened the menu, looked over a few things and wondered where the wine list was and how good that might be.  We watched our neighbor table, about two feet away from us, receive their entrees.  I closed my menu, having made my decision and we started on the bread.  We watched people moving around us, the hostess, who’s station was on the other side of the window from my wife (they could have communicated very well with hand signals), moved around sitting people, arranging the schedule, etc.  Each of us had two pieces of bread, sipped some water, looked at the menu again, and watched our neighbor table’s server return to offer them boxes for their entrees. 

Notice anything missing?  No one, not one person ever stopped by our table to greet us, offer us drinks, take our order, or really do anything other than drop off a basket of bread.  I looked at my watch, 25 minutes from sitting down we stood up, took our coats and walked past the hostess on our way out.  My wife very kindly said, “thanks for the bread”.  The hostess turned to me as I walked past and said, “what happened?”  I looked at her and said very plainly, “nothing, that’s the problem.  We’ve been here longer than 20 minutes and no one has taken our order for anything.  Thank you.”  She offered an “I’m sorry…” as we walked away.

The place was busy, the bread was tasty, the water was water, and we really enjoyed our dinner, at Lento.

Department of Health and Human Services warns against Craigslist Congressman Valentines

February 13, 2011

– Washington, DC

The Federal Department of Health and Human Services today issued a statement warning against using the “Craigslist Congressman” pose for Valentines greetings.  “We would like to suggest that men across the country refrain from taking pictures of themselves flexing in front of a mirror to send to their Valentine.  Our recent health reports show a majority of American men are overweight, especially following football season and we feel it would be a detriment for the overall physical health of the nation’s wives and girlfriends if we don’t keep such pictures from ever seeing the light of day.”

Verizon Wireless and AT&T have noted a spike in texts containing pictures going from accounts with male names to accounts with female names.  “Not that we actually check the pictures or account details or anything,” noted a spokesperson for AT&T, “but we do know the gender of the account owner and tend to monitor bandwidth usage.”  He continued, “We are wary of this sort of thing ever since the Brett Favre picture texting thing.  People tend to copy cat this sort of thing.  While I don’t think this is as bad an issue considering the content, I cannot vouch for the physique of many of these men sending pictures.”

The first Craigslist Congressman texting near fatality on record occurred outside a Walmart in Little Rock, Arkansas.  Sylvia Platt was leaving the store with a full cart when she received a text from her husband.  “I just thought he probably needed me to pick up some extra bacon or mayonnaise or something.  The next thing I know this picture pops up and that’s when I fell.”  Sylvia reportedly lost consciousness and was found lying in the middle of the parking lot with her cell phone clenched in her hand.  “It took me a second to figure out what it was.  I haven’t seen him with a shirt off since our wedding night and quite frankly we were both pretty drunk then so he was blurry at best.  All I can say is the man needs some sun and perhaps less bacon and mayonnaise.”  Her husband could not be reached for comment.

A spokes person for the Federal Department of Health and Human Services explained that they are working on a government funded program to assist those who just can’t help themselves.  “We are working with a few interns who are very good with Photoshop.  Our plan is to provide a site where you can upload your driver’s license photo and we will put your head on the top of an acceptable torso.  This will at least keep people from passing out in Walmart parking lots.  We do not want to encourage that behavior.”  The department hopes to obtain $2.3 billion in funding.  “Most of that will go to our lobbyists of course, as is the custom.  We hope to have this site up and running by mid 2013 which is pretty damn efficient by government standards if I do say so myself.”